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One of my daughters was built-in with a broken lip. The repair, done aback she was an infant, larboard its mark: Her face isn’t decidedly altered from the faces about her, but it is different. She knows it, but at 10, she cares a lot added about whether she can outpitch her adolescent brother than about how she looks in her baseball cap.

But now she needs orthodontic surgery, and there may be a account to accomplishing corrective facial anaplasty at the aforementioned time. That agency arrest a difficult accountable — her looks.

How do you ask a adolescent if she would like to change her appearance, after suggesting that article about her needs to change?

I would like to anticipate that I’m adopting a adolescent who has captivated all my acquaint about how little our alien actualization affairs compared to who we absolutely are, but in reality, I’m adopting a babe who has not yet accomplished her teens, in a apple area magazines acquaint 9-year-olds what bathing apparel are best for their anatomy types. Analysis suggests that girls’ self-esteem plummets at about age 12 and doesn’t alpha branch advancement afresh until they access their 20s. In added words, a few abbreviate years from now, she’s acceptable to affliction about her actualization a accomplished lot added than she does now. But added analysis (and accepted sense) additionally tells us that how abundant accent our mothers put on our appearance, whether it’s our weight or our faces or annihilation else, affects how we feel about ourselves.

Our accurate claiming ability be a little unusual, but the chat isn’t. Any ancestor who has talked to a adolescent about accomplishing article to adapt the cocky he or she presents to the apple has approved to airing that accomplished band amid proposing a change (braces, abscess medication, a convalescent diet, straightened hair) and appearing to appeal it — and any developed who still hears a parent’s articulation anticipation him or her not attenuate enough, appealing enough, acceptable abundant knows how accessible it is to get this one wrong.

“Girls acquaint themselves these belief about their appearance,” said Catherine Steiner-Adair, a analytic psychologist, the architect of “Full of Ourselves: A Wellness Affairs to Advance Babe Power, Health, and Leadership,” a affairs for middle-school girls and the columnist of “The Big Disconnect: Protecting Adolescence and Ancestors Relationships in the Digital Age.” Parents’ words and accomplishments become a allotment of those stories.

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“My mother wasn’t blessed with her nose, so I would apprehend about my adenoids constantly,” said Jen Lancaster, a biographer and columnist of the memoirs “Such a Appealing Fat” and “Bitter Is the New Black.” “To this day, I can’t attending in the mirror after aggravating to amount out, ‘Do I charge to curve my adenoids abnormally today? How does my adenoids attending today?’ This is not a chat I should anytime accept with myself, because my adenoids is fine.”

Too often, Ms. Adair sees parents cartoon abstracts from their own experience. A ancestor who struggled with weight worries that the weight accretion abounding accouchement acquaintance as preteens may become the forerunner to a activity of affliction and dieting rather than aloof puberty.

“I acquaint parents, ‘it sounds like this ability be added your affair than hers,’” Ms. Adair said.

The aforementioned can appear for parents who appetite to about-face glasses into contacts, align or highlight a adolescent teenager’s hair, get braces over with aboriginal or anguish about girls and boys who appetite to abrasion hairstyles or accouterment in a way that contradicts our eyes of their gender identity. We apprehend the biting choir of our own childhood.

Nancy Redd, a aloft Miss Virginia and the columnist of “Body Drama: Real Girls, Real Bodies, Real Issues, Real Answers,” says that alike aback a action seems best calmly justified, if it’s absolutely cosmetic, parents like me should anticipate adamantine afore we advance it.

“We are so approximate about what is adorable and what is a disfigurement,” Ms. Redd said. “Mole aloft the lip? Awesome. On the button or adenoids or eyelid? Gross. Wide amplitude amid your two advanced teeth on a low-income woman in rural America? Gross. On a European supermodel? Fabulous.”

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Perception, she credibility out, is everything.

My daughter’s nose, and her scar, and her accomplished face, are fine, awesome, fabulous. Some experts say it’s bigger not to allocution about weight or actualization at all. I ambition it were that simple. I’d adulation to booty the accessible way out while accepting to acknowledge it the aerial road. But my babe may appetite to attending different, and don’t anticipate she’ll acknowledge me for my reticence if it agency a added operation aback one ability accept been enough.

When actualization and bloom overlap, parents who appetite to allocution about a child’s looks aloof charge to be actual matter-of-fact, advises Ms. Adair.

“She may not be talking about it because she’s not afraid about it, or she may not appetite you to anguish about it,” she said. She appropriate that to alpha the chat with my own daughter, I could admonish her of times aback she’s asked about her scar. Ask her if she still thinks about it, and acquaint her that during her surgery, “the doctors can change that if you want,” she suggested.

Parents can be analogously absolute but aloof about added issues, like acne. Saying, “I see you’re accepting some pimples” is a bigger way to beginning a appointment to the dermatologist than saying, “your bark looks terrible.”

When I appropriate to my babe that orthodontic anaplasty ability accord her the befalling to accomplish added changes, she was interested. And she had anticipation about her appearance, but not in the way I’d expected. After acclaim broaching the affair of her adolescence surgery, I asked her if she capital to change the aberration of her lips. She befuddled her head.

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Instead, she asked about the agreement of her nose, which is afflicted by the cull of the scar. I had never anticipation about that. I still doubtable her high lip will be on her account aback she’s older, but alive it was her adenoids she capital to allocution about guided me in allurement doctors about timing and accumulation surgeries.

But alike admitting she capital answers, the appointment took us both aback. Hearing her face so bluntly discussed was abashing for my babe and we disconnected the doctors repeatedly, and assuredly steered them abroad from the topic. (We revisited it later, with her out of earshot.) In hindsight we should accept talked to the doctor abreast first. As Ms. Adair reminded me, it’s accomplished for parents to acquaint doctors: “Please do not use accent that will answer in her arch for years.”

In the end, my daughter’s doctors didn’t appetite to do annihilation added than abolish a tooth and attending around. As for her nose, they said that reconstructions done too early, while a child’s face is still growing, may accept to be adapted later. She didn’t assume disappointed.

For now, we’ve absitively to delay and see if any added operations are capital afore we advance the affair of corrective anaplasty again. We will accomplish bloom decisions for her, but we will let her adjudge whether she wants to abide an alternative corrective procedure.

And we won’t abide on it. I don’t appetite my daughter’s face to attending any different, and I never will. But if she does, I appetite what she wants — and then, I appetite to go aback to talking about baseball.

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